A writer--clearly stricken with A.D.D.-- ponders her toaster.

I ran out of matches yesterday and haven't been able to uncover my secret hiding spot for my lighter, or anything else for that matter, being the perfect poster-child for adult ADD. My list of lost items is growing and now includes my purse, car keys, three shoes, clean clothes, my favourite coat, certain sections of my floor, and on a regular basis, my bed. But back to the matches.

I had none. But I had a toaster. As I leaned my face dangerously close to the toaster elements to light my cigarette, I began to look at this appliance -- I mean really look. And I began to ponder this appliance –- really ponder, wondering just how I felt about it. (This has become a recent and bizarre habit of mine -- examining my relationships with various inanimate objects, to see if I actually have an opinion on them, one way or another. I usually do.)

But again, I digress. And I don't want to go off-topic unless I am hard up to lose my gentle reader, which, by the way, I am not. Gentle readers are only slightly more thrilling than nasty ones! But back to the toaster. As I peered down into the scorching slot, I remember the salesclerk offering an extended warranty on it. Should I have bought a warranty for a toaster?

Mine is a Perfect Toast Moulinex. Not a bad name in the world of small appliances, even if a little heavy-handed with the promises. This “perfect-Toast” four-slicer is wide and white which, not only could also describe me, but makes for a nice alliteration. Into these spacious slots one may fit bagels and shamelessly thick, hand cut homemade slices of bread. As an added touch, the toaster has a switch on the right side that allows you to turn off the back elements if you are only using the front. Very thoughtful, indeed! Imagine the energy you save. Why, that environmentally friendly feature alone could probably save you enough energy to leave your water running while brushing your teeth – once.

But I’ll tell you another reason the feature is so thoughtful: the option to be miserly about this appliance's power is a MUST. It toasts SO SLOWLY (there--a properly used colon combined with a adverb within parentheses for the grammatically obsessed reader) that I find myself transported back through time, trying to recall a science project so I can hook the darned thing up to a couple of potatoes and hope for some added burst of energy.

To give an example of how painfully slow this toaster is, unless I have dishes to wash, or am inspired to write a complete off-topic essay, I would not even THINK about popping in a doughy treat like an English muffin. It will take five minutes to turn into a gorgeous, golden brown -- which is the only decent way to enjoy a butter-coated starchy carbohydrate. And talk about lighting cigarettes--well, that simple event can take all day! Never mind the occasional cigar!

Yes, I admit I smoke. It is a horrible habit, and one which I plan to give up as soon as I have the desire to gain 15 more pounds, which will also deter me from devouring those thick-sliced doughy things smothered in butter. But back to the toaster.

Another problem with the Perfect Toast Moulinex is this: the lettering on the side, that were once a bright, attractive red, dubiously boasting "Perfect Toast", are now scratched off; the darned appliance looks...well, it looks horrible. It looks poor! I don't know which is worse, the partially scratched-off letters or the black tarry stuff that I can't seem to clean off the top. (What is that stuff, anyway?)

Further to that, I had owned the thing for about three years before I discovered how to remove the crumb tray. Let me describe:

there are two little indents at the bottom left hand side of the toaster which I thought were for carrying the thing around, if one was so inclined. But lo and behold, I discover recently, while taking the toaster for a brief stroll around the kitchen that it is NOT equipped with handles, but holders attached to a removable crumb tray. So I can empty out all the black flaky crumbs. (This little experiment in toaster-toting, by the way, left me pondering how I really felt about my broom! But for another day.)

Well, you can imagine how heaping with sludge this crumb tray was. And not just filled up with crumbs! I found a cigarette in there too!! I was so excited, I searched the inner workings of OTHER appliances for my lighter, car keys and purse--but to no avail—although I did find some lost clothing in the dryer, which sounds perfectly logical to you, but…I digress.

The whole point is that this toaster is not like the ones I remember when I was young. Back in the day, I could actually stick a rolled up piece of paper into the toaster to catch on fire, with which to light a candle for when I had run out of matches. Or, as previously mentioned, I could directly light my cigarette from the glowing elements without risking over-exposure to those harmful toaster rays!

All in all, it’s a disappointing owner-appliance relationship.

Would I recommend you buy an extended warranty for this toaster? Definitely not! You would never want the recalcitrant thing to last one minute longer than is absolutely necessary. I am heading out this very moment to rummage through yard sales for a really GOOD cigerette-lighting toaster. If I could just find my car.